Kapitel 1: Was wirklich wichtig ist

We grow old all at once
And it comes like a punch
In the gut, in the back, in the face
When it seems someone’s lied
And our parents have died
Then we hold onto each other in their place
And I feel the water risin‘ around us
And maybe that’s okay
Yeah, I feel the world changin‘ all at once
I guess it’ll be okay
The Airborne Toxic Event – All At Once

Als das Jahr 2018 geendet ist, haben wir alle ein Blatt Papier genommen. Um aufzuschreiben, was wir hinter uns lassen wollen. Wir haben es kurz nach Mitternacht angezündet und vom Laubengang geworfen.
Schweigend, in unseren Gedanken. Während um uns herum das Feuerwerk ging. So lange, bis das Papier ganz unten angekommen und langsam verbrannt ist.
Jeder vertreibt die bösen Geister. Auf seine Weise.
Schon die ersten Atemzüge danach fühlten sich besser an. Freier. Nicht jeden Tag, nicht jede Minute. Aber immer mehr. Immer länger.

2019 ist nicht weniger passiert. Aber wir sind sehr viel stärker gewesen.
Wahrscheinlich weil wir zusammengewachsen sind. Und gäbe es kein WIR, gäbe es MICH nicht. Nicht mehr. Nicht so.
Ich bin kein Einzelkämpfer. Und auch kein Verdränger. Ich erlebe alles unmittelbar. All meine Konflikte. Ohne Chance mich zu verstecken. Ich weiß gar nicht, wie das geht. Wirklich nicht. Sonst würde ich es tun. Ich fühle nämlich. Eher zu viel als zu wenig.
Dass ich so ganz anders bin, das habe ich irgendwann gelernt. Und es macht mich ratlos.
Da, wo andere schweigen, rede ich einfach drauf los. Auf tausend Wegen.
Spreche über all das, was ich sehe. Auch wenn es keiner hören will. Einige lieben mich dafür. Trotzdem. Andere nicht. Am wenigsten mag ich mich selbst.
Mein ärgster Kritiker sitzt in meinem eigenen Kopf. Er wertet alles aus und versucht pausenlos nachzujustieren. Er glaubt, ich glaube, wir müssen das tun. Um anzukommen. Irgendwann.
Dann kommuniziere ich noch mehr. Zur Selbstvergewisserung. Zur Verifizierung. Um meine Wahrnehmung der Welt mit anderen abzugleichen. Weil ich mir selbst nicht vertrauen kann.
Ich bin doch in meinem Kopf gefangen – woher soll ich also wissen, wie die Welt da draußen aussieht? Also wirklich aussieht. Ich kann immer nur raten. Es ist, als wäre ich blind. Einseitig blind. Als stimme nichts von dem, was ich fühle. Was ich sehe. Was ich zu wissen glaube. Über mich.

Warum es also wichtig ist? Ich seufze und gebe mich der Therapeutin geschlagen: “Ich habe es so gelernt. Mein ganzes Leben lang.”

“Und jetzt?” fragt sie.

Jetzt steht mein Leben schon eine ganze Weile auf Pause. Zeit um Luft zu holen. Und um nachzudenken. Ich habe viel nachgedacht. Viel darüber geredet. Manchmal in anstrengenden Wiederholungen. Selbst für mich. Immer mal wieder muss ich noch einen Schritt zurück machen. Die meiste Zeit aber gehe ich vorwärts. Ich weiß, dass ich viel genommen habe. Viel Raum. Viel Geduld. Viel Kraft. Ich habe mich oft dafür geschämt. Aber es war nie umsonst. Denn wir alle zusammen haben dabei auch viel gefunden. Auch ein paar neue Ideen.
Zum Beispiel, dass meine und unsere Welt nicht weniger wert ist. Sondern real und okay. Verdammt valide sogar. Und selbst ich sein kann, wer immer ich sein will.

“Wer wollen Sie denn sein?”, gibt die Therapeutin mir als letzte Frage mit auf den Weg. Als ich aufstehe, zucke ich noch die Schultern. “Das muss ich jetzt herausfinden, oder?”

Ein Jahr später haben wir mitten im Wald an der norwegischen Grenze im Schnee gestanden. Um 2019 zu verabschieden. Die Nacht auffällig dunkel. Einsam. Nur wir alle, zusammen. Das Feuerwerk so viel weiter in der Ferne. Wieder haben wir unsere Zettel beschrieben. Und sie verbrannt.
Die Ohnmacht darüber, zu einem schlechten Menschen gemacht zu werden, stand schon mal nicht mehr drauf.

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