Prolog

Will you look at me?
Take a good look at me and tell me who
It is that I am.
First Aid Kit – Dance to Another Tune

“Warum ist das wichtig?”, fragt die Therapeutin. Sie ist die dritte Psychologin, die das fragt. Die vierte, vielleicht sogar fünfte. Mich irritiert es. Jedes Mal.
Wie kann es denn nicht wichtig sein, was andere sagen? Ich versuche es ihr zu erklären. Wie den anderen zwei, drei oder sogar vier Therapeuten vor ihr. Denn in meinem Kopf ist das alles komplett logisch. Ab einer gewissen Menge ist es eine valide Menge. Ergo ich kann mich der immerwährenden Kritik an meiner Person unmöglich weiter entziehen. Die Zahlen sprechen für sich.

Die Therapeutin aber schüttelt lächelnd den Kopf. Sie findet natürlich nichts davon logisch.
Ich erzähle ihr, dass ich mich frage, ob ich vielleicht böse bin. Oder Narzisst? Ein Psychopath. Vielleicht beides? Dass ich Nächte über Nächte damit verbracht habe, Internettests auszufüllen und manchmal selbst nicht mehr weiß, was ich eigentlich bin. Was die Wahrheit ist und was ich mir einrede.
Zum Glück lächelt sie immer noch. Auch als ich von meinen düsteren Momenten erzähle. In denen ich müde bin und aufgeben will. Weil bemühen allein eben nicht reicht.
Den Momenten, wenn ich hilflos bin und ich keine Strategien kenne. Nicht weiß, wie ich nicht anecke, nicht polarisiere. Sondern einfach gut und okay sein will.
Ich sinniere so vor mich hin und stoße auf die vermeintliche Grundfrage meines bisherigen Lebens: “Was mache ich verdammt nochmal falsch?”
Sie legt schließlich ihren Stift zur Seite und mustert mich einmal mehr. Einen schier unendlichen Moment. Dann schüttelt sie den Kopf. “Nein.”
Ich verstehe nicht. Die Therapeutin schon. Sie korrigiert mich: “Die große Frage lautet: WARUM IST DAS WICHTIG?”

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